Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
That’s classic.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist