falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
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The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
It do be feeling this way.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.