[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
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What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!