When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
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Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
translated into Canadian
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.