Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
You Might Also Like
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco