*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you