The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Made something I’m not proud of
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy