*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
*launders Kohls cash*
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.