Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.