kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
This kid will have a bright future.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.