ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.