Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.