Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
You Might Also Like
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture