If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
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You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*