If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Pandas 🐼🖤
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
August 8
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one