Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
being a writer on Twitter:
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.