Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond