I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow