Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
The fall of Netflix
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.