Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?