The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
How I like cutting carbs
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Who chose this font
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.