Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma