[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You Might Also Like
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
They got Raph!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.