why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach