I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Inside you there are two wolves
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.