[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
X-tra spooky blend
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it