My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Britain be like
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.