wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
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Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Me irl
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
This made me chuckle.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume