I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
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Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Friends that check up on you >
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.