me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
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This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.