ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
How do you like your Corgi?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan