Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.