Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor