Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.