Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
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Investing in beetcoin
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
🤣😂
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?