#ProTip
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Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Pretty much. 🤣
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I bet
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.