Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.