We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
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It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday