co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
want me to check your oil?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate