When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
who will stop them
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what