My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
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I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
birds and squirrels envy us
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
seems fine
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
White Castle for the Win
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm