Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.