Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
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breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body