The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
That’s not how days work.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!