“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude