Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…