There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
me
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album