Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days