Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.