78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
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*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey